The Wasted Years Page 6

  May gaped at her. ‘Ah, Rosaleen … do you think I’m daft? I would’ve known better than to say anything.’

  ‘I just wanted to be sure, May. Didn’t want you taken unawares. See you next Tuesday night, all being well.’

  The week seemed to drag, but suddenly it was Saturday. Annie and Sean were coming at eight o’clock and Rosaleen had prepared a light supper for later on. As she dressed, she was angry at herself for wishing she was slim and attractive again. She felt huge and ungainly even though her new maternity dress had flattering panels that hid most of the bulk of her, and she suited the pale primrose colour. Joe had remarked at her use of make-up and she had been quite abrupt with him. If he had his way she would never use make-up. She had not worn any for a long time, but she vowed that in future she would take care of her appearance. She was not going to let herself go.

  Even though she was prepared for the sight of him, she still felt winded when Sean entered the room. What on earth was going to happen to her if he married Annie? She could not exist in a state of panic like this.

  The conversation was stilted, as was usual when a stranger entered a family group for the first time, but then Joe suggested having a game of cards and everyone relaxed.

  As the evening wore on, Annie said, ‘I’d better warn you, we won’t be staying late. So if that spread you’ve out in the kitchen is for us, you’d better serve it now, Rosaleen, I don’t think I mentioned it, but Sean’s in the Merchant Navy and he’s due back tomorrow.’

  Rosaleen expelled a soft sigh of relief and rose from the table. He would be gone tomorrow.

  ‘I’ll make the tea.’

  Annie followed her into the kitchen and said, ‘Isn’t it funny? In our street this is the scullery, and down here it’s the kitchen.’

  ‘It is a bit bigger, you have to admit,’ Rosaleen retorted, pride in her home apparent.

  ‘Well, I suppose so.’ Annie’s nose wrinkled in disdain and then she leant closer and whispered, ‘What do you think of him?’

  ‘Mmmm … who?’

  ‘Huh!’ Annie eyed her in amazement. ‘Sean, of course! Who else?’

  ‘Oh, he seems very nice, so he does.’

  ‘Oh, he is … he is. And so different from the boys I’ve known.’ Annie hugged herself. ‘They all seem so childish compared to him. And he’s so kind and respectful. I honestly don’t know what he sees in me, why he singled me out, but I love him, Rosaleen,’ she confided. ‘I love him very much.’

  ‘He singled you out because you’re lovely! There’ll be plenty of boys interested in you before you meet Mr Right,’ Rosaleen retorted. ‘He’s a bit old for you, don’t you think? Remember, not so long ago you thought anyone over twenty-one was an old man?’ Seeing Annie’s lips twitch with mirth at the memory, she added, ‘So just watch you don’t get hurt, won’t you, Annie?’

  ‘I know I used to think like that,’ she agreed with a grin. ‘But I’ve grown up. And I’m well aware that he’s older than me, but I don’t care. As for getting hurt… well, ye know what they say. Better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. I love him and I can only hope he doesn’t tire of me. You’re lucky, Rosaleen. You’ve always been admired. You’re everybody’s favourite. But me … I’ve always been second best.’

  ‘What on earth do you mean?’

  ‘Oh, you know what I mean. You’re the only one I’ve ever felt close to. Me mam thinks I’m too flighty, and me da … well he thinks the sun rises and sets on you.’

  ‘You’re wrong, Annie. Me da has always treated us equally. As for me mam … well, she worries about you.’

  ‘I know, I know. But still, you’re a hard act to follow. You never bothered with Protestants. You fell in love with the right man and gave no cause for concern. Anyhow, I hope Sean falls in love with me because I love him.’

  Dreading the answer to her next question, Rosaleen asked it anyhow. ‘Does he not commit himself?’

  ‘Not so far,’ Annie answered sadly. Then straightening to attention she vowed, ‘But he will, he will, I’ll make him love me. I’ll make him want to marry me. Just you wait and see.’

  And knowing that Annie usually accomplished anything she set out to do, Rosaleen believed her and her spirits sank.

  It was with relief that she closed the door on them that night. She had been jittery with nerves all evening. She had noticed Joe watching her, a concerned look in his eyes, and fear had gripped her heart in case he guessed how she felt about Sean. She was glad when she heard that he would be away for six months. Surely by the time he returned, she would be able to control the emotions that he aroused in her? It was just because she was pregnant that he affected her so. Didn’t they say pregnant women were unstable emotionally?

  ‘Sean’s a nice bloke, isn’t he? Annie could do a lot worse than marry him.’

  Joe’s words brought her back to earth with a bang.

  ‘He’s a bit old for her, don’t you think?’

  ‘That makes him more responsible, and it’s plain to see that he dotes on her. He’ll be able to keep her in line. She’s a bit of a rebel, is Annie. Likes to get her own way.’

  Was it obvious that Sean doted on Annie? ‘Well, six months is a long time. It will probably peter out.’

  Joe drew her down on to the settee and sat with his arm around her. She squirmed uneasily. He was in one of his sloppy moods. He would be easily pleased; a bit of a cuddle, a few kisses and a lot of excuses for not disturbing her, but these episodes left Rosaleen frustrated and unhappy. Tonight she could not bear it! Unhappiness was already a deep pain in her chest.

  Rising abruptly to her feet she said, ‘I’m tired, Joe. I’m going on up to bed. Goodnight.’

  She stole a glance at his face and saw chagrin there. Serves him right! she thought. He wouldn’t be so ready for a cuddle once the child was born. No, he would be afraid to start what he couldn’t finish.

  The next morning she was up early, preparing for the midwife’s weekly visit. Now that she was so near her time, Nurse Morgan came once a week. Rosaleen answered the door with a smile on her face which quickly slipped when she saw Sean standing on the pavement. She closed her eyes. She must be seeing things, the result of lying awake half the night thinking of him. But no, he was still there when she opened them again.

  ‘I lost a glove last night and I wondered if perhaps it’s here?’

  Silently, she turned back into the house and he followed her.

  ‘I never noticed any glove when I was clearing up,’ she assured him. Well, she couldn’t very well call him a liar, could she?

  Going to the settee, he looked down between it and the wall, and then reached down and produced a black leather glove.

  ‘You left that there,’ she accused him, wide-eyed. When he nodded gravely in reply, she cried. ‘Why? What did you hope to gain? I don’t understand.’

  ‘I just wanted to see you for a few minutes alone, Rosaleen. I’ll be away for six months this time.’

  ‘Ah, Sean … Sean … what am I going to do about you. Can’t you see? If you keep this up you’ll ruin all our lives. I’m married to Joe and …’

  Quickly, he interrupted her. ‘But you regret it, don’t you? Tell the truth, Rosaleen. You regret it. I could see last night that you don’t love him.’

  ‘No, you’re wrong.’ She shook her head. ‘I don’t regret marrying Joe.’ Her gaze held his steadily. She must convince him that she was happy with Joe or he would never leave her alone.

  ‘You’re wasting your time. And Sean …?’ Her look was beseeching. ‘Annie and I are very close, please don’t hurt her.’

  He stepped nearer to her, a sceptical look on his face, but what he would have said she was never to know, because Nurse Morgan arrived. Tight-lipped, Sean wished Rosaleen goodbye and left the house.

  Her daughter was born two weeks later, and Rosaleen sighed in relief when she saw that she was so blonde she appeared bald. Her eyes were blue but the nurse assured her they would probably ch
ange colour; that all babies were born with blue eyes. She was right. They did change colour – to green like Rosaleen’s own. There was nothing about her in the least like Sean, and Rosaleen thanked God for letting her off the hook.

  Her mother was in her glory helping to look after the baby. She came every day to see her, and one day, when the baby was two weeks old, arrived bursting with excitement.

  ‘Who do you think called up to see me today?’

  Not waiting for an answer, she rushed on: ‘Kate Brady. What do ye think of that?’

  Rosaleen’s heart sank. She sensed that she was about to hear bad news. May had not paid the promised Tuesday night visit and when she had also neglected to come to see the baby, Rosaleen had guessed something was amiss.

  She sat silent and her mother gaped at her. ‘Don’t tell me you knew all about it?’

  ‘All about what, Mam? I don’t know what you’re talking about. I haven’t set eyes on May for weeks.’

  ‘She’s gone! Took off a month ago. My, but they kept that quiet. I suppose they hoped she would get disillusioned and come back, before she was missed. But, no, she got married in the register office. I felt heartsore for Kate. She’s worried stiff. It seems the big fellow waited ouside the Falls Flax yesterday and nearly killed the guy May married. It’s as well May doesn’t work there any more. He’d have swung for her.’

  ‘Oh, poor May … poor May.’

  ‘Poor May my foot! She should know better. It’ll cause trouble ye know! Once the boyos hear about it, big John’s life won’t be worth living. I suppose that’s why he beat the guy up. He was proclaiming his disapproval of May’s actions.’

  ‘Ah, Ma! She probably fell in love,’ Rosaleen cried. ‘Why can’t we do as we please. As for the boyos … who are these faceless guys that everyone’s afraid of?’

  ‘Hush … don’t talk like that.’ Thelma glanced over her shoulder as if they might be overheard even though they were in Rosaleen’s living room. This action brought home to her just how awful it must have been during the Troubles in the twenties, when you were afraid to speak your mind. ‘As for May … well, she should’ve known better. She should’ve fell in love with a Catholic, so she should,’ Thelma continued, then sighed and added gruffly, ‘I suppose you’re right. Ye can’t help who you love. Ah, no, love makes fools of us all.’

  Thelma’s face reddened when she caught Rosaleen’s appraising look, and she quickly changed the subject.

  ‘Your da says there’s goin’ to be a war.’

  Rosaleen just nodded, she knew her mother was changing the subject; the fact that her father was talking about the war was nothing new. He was always talking about the war. He ranted on about the government not making enough preparations to protect the people of Belfast. He kept explaining to anyone who would listen that Belfast was now a prime target, since it was turning out planes and ammunition for England, but no one listened to him. What did he know, working in Greeves Mill all his life? Hadn’t the powers that be over in England assured the Stormont government that Hitler would not travel across England to bomb Ireland? Nevertheless, her father continued to point out that Belfast stuck out like a sore thumb, situated as it was on the edge of the lough, and that, mark his words, the Germans would come.

  But there had been rumours of war for a long time now. Indeed, a new aircraft factory, Short and Harland, had been opened two years ago, bringing work to thousands. It had just completed its first Bengal Bombay last month and was working all out building more. Surely if the English government thought Belfast would be bombed, it would protect its assets? Rosaleen remembered the flurry of activity last summer when war had seemed imminent. Trenches had been dug around the harbour and in the parks, and sandbags had been distributed to all important buildings, shops and offices to protect against blast damage. But then all activity came to a halt as fear of war had apparently receded. The rumours had lingered too long now to cause Rosaleen immediate concern and it was May her thoughts dwelled on. Would Billy be good to her? Oh, she hoped so, she hoped so. May deserved a bit of kindness.

  It was a month later that she received a letter from May, asking to meet her in the Dunville Park. Wrapping the child up warmly, she put her in her pram and near the stated time made her way down to the park.

  May was already sitting on a bench near the fountain when Rosaleen arrived. She rose swiftly to her feet and embraced her friend fiercely.

  ‘Oh, it’s so good to see you.’

  They clung together for some moments and then May turned her attention to the child in the pram.

  ‘It’s obviously a girl,’ she stated laughingly, noting that everything was pink. Pulling back the blankets, she peered in at the sleeping child. ‘She’s lovely, Rosaleen. Just lovely. What did you call her?’

  ‘Laura. Laura Marie. How are you, May?’

  ‘I’m great, Rosaleen, never better. Billy lifts and lays me.’ She winked, her tongue poking cheekily from between her teeth, causing Rosaleen to laugh outright.

  ‘You certainly look great. Why, you’re absolutely blooming.’

  ‘Don’t sound so surprised.’ May gave her a playful push. ‘Here, let’s sit down and have a natter.’

  Rosaleen’s eyes ran over May’s attire. She was dressed in a quality wool coat, dark green in colour, on her feet a pair of soft brown kid shoes, and she carried a matching kid handbag.

  ‘Looks like you fell on your feet,’ she exclaimed.

  Somehow she had expected May to be sad and cowed. After all, she had acted foolishly, but instead she looked defiant. That was the only word Rosaleen could think of to explain how May looked.

  ‘Well, Billy isn’t short of a bob or two, and he’s an only child. His parents dote on him.’

  ‘How do they feel about you?’

  ‘They love me.’

  Seeing Rosaleen’s look of disbelief, she nodded her head vigorously.

  ‘They do! Honestly!’ Her head bobbed up and down to lay stress on her words. ‘Now if Billy had married me in the Catholic Church that would have been another matter. They would have disowned him, only child or not. They didn’t like his first wife, so I consider myself lucky that they’ve taken to me.’

  ‘Had he any children, May?’

  ‘No. No children. And it was her fault the marriage broke up. She ran off with someone else.’

  ‘Well, her poor taste was your good fortune, but your ma’s breaking her heart, May.’

  May’s retort was quick.

  ‘Not because of me, she’s not. She’s breaking her heart because I’ve left the Church. She doesn’t care whether I’m happy or not.’ She tossed her head defiantly. ‘I suppose you heard how me da beat Billy up?’ When Rosaleen nodded, May cried, ‘I bet you didn’t hear that he had two of his pals with him?’ At Rosaleen’s look of surprise, she cried, ‘I thought not. If he had been alone Billy would have been able for him. But big and all as me da is, he needed help. The big bully! You should have seen the state Billy was in.’ She gulped deep in her throat before continuing. ‘His face was like a bit of liver. His mates wanted to retaliate, but he wouldn’t hear tell of it. He said he felt he deserved the hiding for running off with me, and I was worth every last blow.’

  Although tears were running down her face, she smiled wryly at Rosaleen. ‘I never thought I’d hear a man say that about me. And, Rosaleen, he does love me.’

  Rosaleen gripped her hand tightly.

  ‘You underestimate yourself, May. You’re worthy of any man’s love.’

  In her heart she could not help but wish that May had waited for a Catholic. Surely she must feel uneasy living on the Shankill Road? She found herself voicing her thoughts.

  ‘Are you not scared living on the Shankill?’

  May paused in wiping her face and giggled.

  ‘Not a bit of it,’ she declared. ‘They’re just like us. Honest to goodness, Rosaleen. Listening to them is just like listening to the ones on the Falls Road.’

  Rosaleen found this hard
to believe. She remembered the few times she had gone shopping on the Shankill Road. She had imagined everyone knew she was a Catholic. Hadn’t she been led to believe that they could smell Catholics? Certainly she had been glad to hurry back down Conway Street to the Falls Road. Now she could not hide her disbelief.

  ‘Honestly, Rosaleen,’ May assured her again. ‘Do you know something? Billy and his parents go to church every Sunday. They’re a lovely couple, and the neigbours are friendly. Everyone talks to me.’

  ‘You don’t go to church?’

  Rosaleen was scandalised at the idea of May attending a service in a Protestant church.

  ‘No, I don’t. But why shouldn’t I? We all pray to the same God. He doesn’t ask if you’re a Catholic or Protestant.’

  She couldn’t bring herself to admit that she had gone to church one Sunday with Billy but had found the church cold and bare. Not in the least like Clonard Monastry, with its shrines and altars.

  ‘Listen, Rosaleen, besides wanting to see you and your new baby, I asked you to meet me because I want to ask a favour of you.’

  Wide-eyed, Rosaleen remained silent.

  ‘I’m worried about me ma. With me da and our Colin not working, I know she depended on my money every week.’

  She delved into her handbag and produced an envelope.

  ‘Will you give this to her for me? Tell her I’ll get money to you once a month for her.’ Her look was entreating. ‘That’s if you don’t mind … Please?’

  Aware that Joe would object to her being a go-between, Rosaleen hesitated.

  ‘It’s all right. I’m sorry I asked. I had no right to put you on the spot.’ May opened her handbag to return the envelope, but with an abrupt movement Rosaleen stopped her.

  ‘Here, give it to me. At least this way you will have to stay in touch.’

  ‘Thanks, Rosaleen. You’re a true friend. And I have another bit of news … I’m pregnant!’

  Rosaleen forced herself to smile; to act pleased. However, inside she was worried. The child would be brought up a Protestant. How will May be able to live with that? she wondered. And another thing, what would big John do when he heard about it?