The Wasted Years Read online

  However, when she returned some hours later there was no sign of Billy and Ian and she found May huddled on the settee, crying as if her heart would break.

  Taking May in her arms, Rosaleen sat and rocked her in silent sympathy. At last May drew back and, blowing her nose, confided, ‘He’s joined the army because of me, Rosaleen. He thinks I don’t love him and he’s joined up.’

  ‘I wish I knew what to say. I wish I could help you.’

  ‘Nobody can help me now, Rosaleen. I’ve made a mess of everything, and if it was only me that was suffering, I wouldn’t care.’ She started to sob. ‘But Billy’s unhappy, too, and Ian’s fretting.’

  Rosaleen gripped her by the shoulders and shook her roughly. ‘Oh, May! You make me want to scream! If you love Billy … GO SEE HIM! Tell him you love him.’

  But May just shook her head in a hopeless gesture and Rosaleen slumped back on the settee in despair. How could she help if May wouldn’t listen to her?

  ‘Rosaleen?’

  May’s head was buried in her hands and her voice was so low Rosaleen had to lean closer to hear it.

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘If I tell you what’s wrong … promise you won’t laugh?’

  ‘May, I never felt less like laughing in my life.’

  Voice stronger now, she continued. ‘Well, do you remember the night your da died?’

  Rosaleen nodded. Would she ever forget?

  ‘Well, there had been so many false alarms, we didn’t bother trekking up to the fields. We stayed in the house … in the coalhole.’ May’s head lifted and she turned to Rosaleen. ‘It was awful, remember? Those whistling fire bombs.’ Her eyes were vacant and her lips trembled as she relived the experience. Then, with an abrupt shake of the head, she continued, ‘Well, the row of houses behind ours was hit. I’ll never forget it … it was awful. The screeching whistle … the thud … and then our house shook. I thought it was going to fall in on top of us. I was sure that we were all going to die …’ Her voice trailed off and Rosaleen sat silent, not wanting to interrupt the flow of May’s words. She could picture the scene. The whistling bombs had been terrifying, even from afar, but it must have been awful to have been enclosed and one fall nearby.

  May gave a grimace and continued, ‘I kept thinking of how I was living in sin, and the fact that Ian wasn’t baptised … that tortured me, so it did.’ Her head rose and she fixed Rosaleen with a shamefaced look. ‘You must think me a right hypocrite.’

  When Rosaleen shook her head and smiled sadly, denying May’s accusation, she continued: ‘Well … I was so worried, I promised God that I would put things right. And I really meant to … but, you see, when Billy and I discovered that we shared a lot of interests and he began to get serious about me … he asked me to make him a promise that I’d never badger him about bringing any children we had up in the Catholic faith.’

  A harsh laugh left her lips as she thought of how naive she had been. Born in the shadow of Clonard Monastery, practically reared by the Redemptorist fathers, how could she have convinced herself that the Church didn’t matter to her?

  ‘Anyhow, I promised. I vowed I would never mention the Catholic faith to Billy. And to tell you the truth, at that time I wasn’t worried. I was actually amused and surprised when you said that you were worried about my soul. Everything in the garden was rosy, and I was glad to get away from me da.’

  ‘May, why didn’t you confide in me?’ Rosaleen was reproachful. ‘We’re best friends.’

  ‘Now, honestly, Rosaleen, tell the truth – do you tell me everything, hmmm?’

  Sean’s face rose before Rosaleen’s mind and she was glad that dusk was falling and May could not see her blush, as she admitted, ‘Well… not everything.’

  ‘I thought so. Mind you, I don’t blame you. When you’re married … well, your husband comes first and you just don’t talk as freely. The worst of it was we’d just heard that Billy’s ex-wife was one of the people killed in Percy Street … remember the sixty victims? Well, she was one of those. He would have thought that I was suddenly remorseful about the Church because he was now free to marry me in it.’ She shook her head. ‘I couldn’t break my promise, but at the same time I was uneasy. What if there was another raid? What if I died in a state of mortal sin?’ She threw another wry smile at Rosaleen. ‘Imagine! Me of all people worried about my soul. I didn’t realise that at heart I was a staunch Catholic. I began to avoid Billy … you know what I mean.’ A smile flitted across her face. ‘I never had so many headaches in my life before. I think he thought I’d gone off him. That I fancied somebody else.’

  At Rosaleen’s start of surprise, May fixed her with an intent look and she found herself offering the information that Billy had indeed thought so. May’s sigh was heartfelt. ‘Poor Billy. Poor, poor Billy. He can’t figure out what’s wrong … but at least I put something right. Do you know what I did, Rosaleen?’ She leant forward and held Rosaleen’s eye. ‘On the morning after the fire raid, I baptised Ian.’

  ‘You baptised him?’

  May laughed, and admitted, ‘I can smile at the idea now, but at the time I was deadly serious. I was shaking like a leaf … afraid of not doing it properly. I nearly drowned the child … he screamed blue murder, so he did. If anyone had come in, they would have had me up for cruelty.’

  ‘May!’ Rosaleen found herself laughing softly at the idea. ‘Ah, May.’

  ‘Aye, I know. You may well laugh, but I kept thinking that if we were all to die in a raid, at least Ian would go to heaven with Billy, and I deserved to join aul Nick down below.’ The look she gave Rosaleen was questioning. ‘Rosaleen, truthfully now, have you ever wished that you’d been born a Protestant? I mean, if they do something wrong … but they don’t realise it’s wrong … well then, it’s not a sin. But if we do something wrong, we’re damned, if you see what I mean.’

  Rosaleen nodded her head. ‘I see what you mean, but no … I’ve never wanted to be a Protestant. But listen, May, you’ll have to tell Billy the truth. You can’t let him go to war thinking you don’t care … thinking you fancy someone else. You just can’t do it. When does he leave?’

  ‘In two weeks’ time, but I can’t back down on my word, Rosaleen. I just can’t.’ May was adamant, and Rosaleen had to admit defeat.

  Not that she had any intention of giving up. She hadn’t made any promises, and just in case May got the idea of extracting one from her, she changed the subject.

  ‘What about Ian? What’s happening to him while Billy’s away?’

  ‘Billy’s parents are moving to Newry. His aunt has a house there and they’re taking Ian with them, until the war’s over. I’m glad, Rosaleen. It’s all for the best. I can’t have him with me, what with me working. He’s safer away from Belfast, and sure thousands of children are evacuated away from their parents. And this way … at least he’s with his grandparents.’

  A glance at the clock brought her to her feet. ‘Look at the time. I’ve wasted your evening, but I’m glad I was up here when Billy called and not down in Spinner Street. I’d have hated him to go there. And it was good of you to leave us alone. Thanks, Rosaleen. Thanks for everything.’

  Although it was a warm evening, Billy came through the gates of the Falls Flax, his step slow, shoulders hunched up around his ears as if from the cold. Rosaleen’s heart went out to him, and when she hailed him and saw alarm fill his face, she felt like weeping. He hurried across the road and stopped in front of her, his eyes questioning.

  ‘It’s all right, Billy. Don’t look so worried … May’s all right,’ she hastened to assure him. ‘Look, can we talk?’

  ‘I’ll walk you home.’

  He fell into step beside her, his look still intent and questioning. All day she had been rehearsing what she would say to him, but now her mind was blank. She did not know where to start.

  Suddenly, he smiled down at her. ‘Well now, Rosaleen, I’m sure you didn’t meet me just for the pleasure of my company. Is May well?’

/>   ‘As well as can be expected.’

  At once he stopped in his tracks and gripped his arm. ‘What do you mean … as well as can be expected. Is she ill?’

  ‘She’s suffering from a broken heart, Billy.’

  ‘Hah!’ His head went back and he looked down the length of his nose at her. ‘And just who’s breaking her heart? Eh, Rosaleen?’

  ‘Come off it, Billy. You know there’s no one else.’

  ‘Well then, what the hell’s goin’ on, Rosaleen?’ he cried in exasperation.

  Haltingly, she tried to explain May’s change of heart towards her religion, how the blitz had brought home to her that she could die in mortal sin. To her surprise, Billy heard her out in silence and then shrugged his shoulders.

  ‘So that’s what was wrong. A big change of heart, eh? It wouldn’t have had anything to do with the fact that my ex-wife was killed, I suppose?’

  ‘No. That’s why she didn’t tell you. She said you’d think that.’

  He shrugged these words aside. ‘What about Ian, eh? She spent weeks away from him. Showed no interest whatsoever in his welfare. Our son … and she didn’t give a shit whether he was alive or dead. Can she explain that away? Eh, Rosaleen? What has she to say about that?’

  Deep dismay filled her. She had expected Billy to fall over himself to go to May, had pictured a happy reunion before he left for the army, but here he was deriding May.

  ‘Billy, May dotes on that child! She’s letting him stay with you because she knows that you can look after him better at present than she can. It will be different when the war’s over. She’ll want him back, and believe you me, she’ll fight you tooth and nail for him. And another thing – May doesn’t know that I’m here. I did this off my own bat. I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought you loved her …’

  He interrupted her sadly. ‘I do love her, Rosaleen, indeed I do, but, personally I believe Ian will be better off if I rear him alone. He’ll have less hangups away from the Catholic faith. And as for getting married in the Catholic Church … no way. There’s no way that I can do that. I made that clear to May before I married her and I haven’t changed me mind. Ye see, Rosaleen, my da’s in the Orange Order and it would break his heart if I married in the Catholic Church … he’d have to leave the order. I couldn’t do that to him. I’m all they have and I’ve loved my parents longer than I’ve loved May. So, as far as I’m concerned, unless May comes back on my terms, which, after all, are what she agreed to in the first place, she needn’t come back at all.’

  In the face of such determination, Rosaleen was dismayed. She could only hope that May never heard about her attempt to win Billy back.

  They had reached the corner of Springfield Avenue and she stopped and offered him her hand. She had allowed him to walk with her in this direction, picturing May maybe being on the dayshift and coming along, and she and Billy having a wonderful, happy reunion while she looked benignly on. Now she was afraid of May coming along and Billy sighting her. Why, May would never forgive her for interfering.

  ‘I’m sorry, Billy. Seems I should have minded my own business. Sure you won’t mention it to May, if you happen to be talking to her?’

  He put his hands on her shoulders and kissed her on the cheek.

  ‘Thanks, Rosaleen. Thanks for caring. But as you can see it’s a hopeless case. Ye know, it’s right what they say. You should stick with your own kind.’

  Mackie’s workers were starting to trickle down the Springfield Road and Rosaleen drew away from him.

  ‘I’d better go now, Billy.’ She nodded towards the workers. ‘Just in case May comes along. God, but she’d never forgive me for interfering! So long, and safe home from the war.’

  She hurried down Springfield Avenue and Billy watched her out of sight. Then, aware that he might see May if he waited, he walked down the road and sheltered in the doorway of Hughes Bakery.

  At last he saw her approaching and drew back out of sight. She looked awful – thin and haggard, and she obviously wasn’t bothering about keeping her hair blonde, the roots showed black for about four inches.

  He examined her critically. She looked common. Common as muck. Was this what he was breaking his heart over? His lips tightened angrily. He must need his head examined. Even so, as she passed by, it took all his willpower to stop him from hailing her. After all, who was he to think anyone looked common? With a mug like his, he was in a position to criticise no one.

  He waited until she had passed by, deep in conversation with Colin, and then he headed back up the Springfield Road, his thoughts in a whirl.

  Rosaleen was right; he knew in his heart that May doted on Ian. She would put his welfare first, before her own feelings. It was unselfish of her to let him have the child. It would be only right to let her see him before he went to Newry. Yes, he would have to arrange that. Even his mother thought his attitude towards May was hard. But then, she didn’t understand. The next two weeks could not pass quickly enough for him. After that he wouldn’t have time to brood. And if it wasn’t for Ian, he wouldn’t care whether or not he returned.

  On Saturday morning Rosaleen was making her way down to the Post Office when May hailed her from the tram stop at the Falls Road junction.

  ‘You’re out early,’ Rosaleen greeted her, and her eyes took in her friend’s appearance. From the neat brown court shoes to the top of the pale, ash-blonde hair, she was pleased with what she saw. May had been letting herself go, but today she was back in form. Dressed in a dark blue suit and white blouse, with a beret tilted to one side on her head, she looked smart.

  May waited until Rosaleen had finished her inspection and then jested: ‘Well, do I meet with your approval?’

  ‘You certainly do. You look smashing. Have you a date?’

  May’s eyes danced with laughter and she nodded her head.

  Rosaleen was dismayed, she had been jesting, and May’s smile broadened when she saw her friend’s face drop.

  ‘I’ve a date with a young lad called Ian,’ she explained. ‘Billy sent word in to work that if I liked – Imagine! If I liked – I could meet him in town to say goodbye to Ian. He’s moving to Newry tomorrow.’

  A smile of delight appeared on Rosaleen’s face. ‘I’m glad, May. Really pleased for you. I’m sure you’re all excited.’

  May grimaced, and confessed, ‘I’m a bundle of nerves, so I am. I’m more worked up now than I was on my first date with Billy.’

  Her eyes grew anxious. ‘Do I look all right?’

  ‘You look lovely. Billy’s sure to be impressed,’ Rosaleen assured her.

  ‘Oh, here’s the tram. I’d better run.’ She gripped Rosaleen’s arm. ‘Say a wee prayer for me, won’t you?’

  ‘I will. And you let me know how you get on.’

  ‘Oh, I will … I will. I’ll come up the night and tell you about it.’ She swung on to the platform of the tram and shouted over her shoulder, ‘Bye for now.’

  And she did come that night, subdued but happy. Billy had asked her to write to him while he was away and he had also arranged for his mother to keep in touch with her to let her know how Ian was progressing.

  When she heard this news Rosaleen sent a thankful prayer heavenwards. There was hope for them yet.

  Chapter 7

  It was discovered that the damage to Harland and Wolff was not as bad as at first appeared. Although a vast number of the buildings and sheds at the shipyard were demolished, a number of important structures had survived the bombings. These included the power station, the building slips, and the pumping station, so although work was halted completely while unexploded bombs were hunted for and dealt with, urged on and supported by the ministry, work commenced building more ships much more quickly than expected. This was a blessing, taking hundreds off the outdoor relief, and as buildings were erected to house the homeless and accommodate the soldiers stationed in Belfast, more work still was available and unemployment fell dramatically.

  Short and Harland also g
ot off lighter than first thought, and determined not to be caught with all their eggs in one basket again, spread their processes across Belfast and outlying districts.

  The King’s Hall at Barmoral was taken over for the making of fuselages and components, and aircraft wings were produced at Long Kesh. At Lambeg, a linen mill was converted and tail planes and flaps were made there. Sheetmetal pressings were made on the Newtownards Road, and all over the north other factories and buildings were converted and used as stores for supplies.

  As work got underway in these places, unemployment, although not wiped out, was lower than it had been for many a year, and even Joe’s small business flourished, obtaining plenty of orders for repairing houses that had been bombed but were sound enough for repairs.

  Proud and happy, Owen Black approached Rosaleen to ask her opinion about taking on a man to help him and someone to look after the yard and take orders while he was busy. He emphasised the fact that his wife would take on the job of looking after the yard if she didn’t have the kids to worry about, and Rosaleen realised that, in a roundabout way, he was suggesting she look after it. She turned the idea over in her mind.

  Why not? She wasn’t stupid; she could answer the phone, write down orders … she could even, with a bit of tutoring, do the books. And Amy was always willing to look after her beloved granddaughter.

  Owen gave a nod of approval when she offered to look after the yard four mornings a week, and soon Rosaleen was caught up in the running of the business while the months slipped away unnoticed. The sirens were going off less frequently as Hitler’s assaults on the west coast of England had decreased. The reason given for this was his decision to break his pact with Russia and launch an attack on them. However, to their surprise, the Germans were encountering far more opposition than they had bargained on from the Russians, and the planes that had formerly blitzed the west coast of England and the east coast of Northern Ireland were now turned on Russia.