Playing With Fire Page 21

  ‘You should have warned him on the phone what to expect,’ she chided. ‘He’s bound to get one hell of a shock when he sees you.’

  ‘I tried to put him off, but he wouldn’t take no for an answer.’

  ‘He might have, if you’d told him the truth.’ Alison tilted her head inquiringly. ‘In your heart, are you maybe hoping he will say it doesn’t matter and he still wants to marry you?’

  ‘Huh! Chance would be a fine thing.’

  ‘I still can’t believe you let this happen to you. I would have thought you’d be the last person to let a man take advantage of you.’

  A harsh laugh escaped Susan’s lips. ‘You’d be surprised how things can happen. Indeed, you would be very surprised.’

  Agog with excitement, Alison pleaded, ‘Well, tell me! I’m near dead to know! Help me to avoid the pitfalls.’

  ‘That’s just it. We can only look out for ourselves, and I failed miserably.’

  Jim Brady was a bundle of nerves as he waited for Susan at the corner of Castle Street. When he had phoned on Wednesday she had done her damnedest to put him off. Offering all kind of excuses, from her mother’s illness to needing time to herself. Only the threat that he would come to her home had made her relent and agree to meet him. He stood to attention when he saw her hurrying along towards him, dark curls lifting in the breeze and cheeks glowing pink with the cold. She looked wonderful. Absolutely wonderful. How he had missed her!

  A frown puckered his brow as she drew closer; she had put on a lot of weight. Shock coursed through him as comprehension dawned. Good God! So it’s true. She really is pregnant . . . his Susan.

  Susan stopped in front of him and met his accusing gaze.

  ‘Are you . . .’ His voice trailed off.

  She tossed her head and looked him straight in the eye. ‘Yes, I am. Do you want me to pass on by, or are we going to the pictures as planned?’

  At a loss for words, he simply looked her up and down in amazement. After bearing his scrutiny for some moments, she turned and started to retrace her steps. He was instantly beside her.

  ‘I say . . . I’m sorry. You took me by surprise. Why didn’t you tell me?’

  She shrugged. ‘Perhaps I wanted to see the shocked expression on your face when you finally got the message.’ Her lips tightened and her eyes scorned him. ‘I certainly wasn’t disappointed.’

  He took her gently by the arm and drew her to a standstill. ‘If we’re going to the Ritz, we’re going in the wrong direction.’

  ‘Are you sure you want to go?’ She was at a loss now over what to do. ‘I honestly never thought of the position I was placing you in. Suppose someone sees us and gets the wrong idea. What then?’

  He shrugged. ‘Too bad! I never was one to care what anyone thought, so let’s get going or we’ll miss the start of the big picture.’ A grin showed his even white teeth. ‘Now that would annoy me,’ he assured her, and led her along Donegall Place in the direction of the Ritz.

  She could feel him giving her covert glances but was unable to think of anything to say. His futile attempts at conversation petered out for lack of support and the journey across town was conducted in comparative silence.

  They joined the queue that was already wending its way into the auditorium and were soon settled in their seats. In the darkness of the cinema he was very aware of the bulk of her sitting next to him. He remembered how slim she had been not so long ago. How he had slipped his arm around her and held her as close as the arm of the plush-covered seats allowed, revelling in the passion she could so easily arouse in him. Now he had no inclination at all to hold her. This attitude dismayed him. Was he being fickle? After all, this was the same girl he had courted and asked to marry him. The girl he still dreamt of every night. But, to be fair on himself, she was carrying another man’s child, and by the look of her it must have happened shortly after she had offered herself to him. Had he had a lucky escape? Was she really that promiscuous?

  Susan could imagine the drift of his thoughts and tears smarted her eyes for times lost. What had she done so wrong in her short life that one lapse had left her pregnant and her life in ruins? One mistake - one! - had ruined everything. In the dark, warm intimacy she longed for him to hold her hand, to show he still had some feelings for her, but he sat rigid, as if afraid of accidentally touching her arm.

  The film seemed to go on for ever, but at last to her intense relief it was over and they left the cinema. March was certainly living up to its reputation and going out like a lion, with sharp winds penetrating through to the very bone. Shivering, she pulled her coat closer around her and on the pavement faced Jim with a bright smile. ‘Thank you for a lovely evening. I was glad to get away from the house for a few hours. As you can imagine, my dad is far from happy with me. To be truthful, I’m surprised he allowed me to stay at home.’

  ‘He probably knows when he’s on to a good thing. He knows you will look after your mother hand and foot.’ He took her hand. ‘Susan, I apologise for hounding you the way I did. I had no right! But I had no idea. Oh, I was told you might be pregnant . . . Indeed, Alison even accused me of being the father, but I couldn’t take it in. I thought there must surely be some mistake. I just couldn’t believe it was true.’ He paused as if the enormity of it still confounded him. Then he asked tentatively, ‘Do I know him? Have you set a date for the wedding?’

  Ignoring the first question, she said, ‘There isn’t going to be a wedding. At least, not for me. Just think, Jim. I’ll be the lowest of the low, an unmarried mother. Alison and Graham got engaged at Christmas, but they haven’t set the date yet, what with Graham being in hospital.’ She watched him digest these words. Which would catch his attention most? Graham’s plight or her own? Graham won.

  ‘Graham’s in hospital?’

  ‘Yes, he was involved in a car crash last Monday. I believe the weather was terrible here last weekend.’

  ‘It was indeed. A lot of heavy snow! The road conditions were atrocious.’

  ‘Well, Graham was over in England last week . . .’

  ‘Visiting you?’ he interrupted suspiciously.

  Fear squeezed her heart. Hadn’t she known Jim was no fool? ‘No. Why would he visit me? As it happens, he was over in Newcastle on business and, on his return on Monday, on the journey home from Aldergrove his car was caught up in a collision with two other cars. I don’t know the ins and outs of it, just that Graham and another man were badly injured and a man and woman were killed.’

  ‘Thank God Graham survived.’

  ‘Indeed! He was very lucky. The car was a write-off.’

  ‘That beautiful Jag? That must have hurt more than the injuries.’

  ‘Wrong again. They don’t know if he’ll ever walk again, let alone drive. He must be in a terrible state, but he’s putting a brave face on it. Look, I’ll have to go, Jim. Remember, times have changed.’ Her smile was strained as she admitted, ‘I’m in no condition to be running for the last bus.’

  ‘Ah.’ He sighed audibly. ‘Those were the days, eh, Susan? I prayed they’d last for ever.’

  ‘So did I,’ she echoed sadly. ‘So did I.’

  ‘I’ll walk to the bus stop with you.’ Reluctantly she fell into step beside him, loath to prolong the agony, wanting to lick her wounds. After a short silence he continued, ‘Do you know something? I also got promotion at work. I thought life was smiling on me for a change. I pictured us living happily ever after, but now this . . .’ He gestured vaguely at her bump, then cried in anguish, ‘Why, Susan? Why the big rush? Could you not have waited a while? Was that act so important to you? I thought you cared for me! I can’t believe you rushed to someone else right away. By the look of you, you can’t have waited any length of time.’

  Hearing the hurt and bewilderment in his voice, she cried, ‘I can’t explain, Jim. It wasn’t like you think. You wouldn’t want to hear how foolish I’ve been.’

  ‘Try me.’

  She shook her head. ‘Least said, soonest
mended.’

  ‘Why won’t this guy marry you?’

  ‘He has offered, but he isn’t free. There would be a terrible scandal and I couldn’t do that to my parents. It’s bad enough as it is.’

  They were nearing the bus stop, where a queue had formed, and he drew her to one side. ‘A married man? I don’t believe it!’ he cried incredulously. ‘You rushed into the arms of a married man? You would never be that stupid.’

  Afraid he might put two and two together and guess the truth, she nodded. It was best if he thought a married man was responsible. ‘These things happen, Jim.’

  Jim pondered on her words. It saddened him to think that she must have been seeing this other man when she was dating him. There was no other explanation. ‘And if he wasn’t married, would you marry him?’ he queried.

  ‘If he was free I might, for the sake of the child. Look, here’s my bus. Thank you once again for a lovely evening.’>

  Against his better judgement he gripped her arm. ‘I’ll come with you.’

  ‘That won’t be necessary,’ she cried in alarm. Tears were threatening and she was determined that he wouldn’t see her break down. He ignored her plea.

  ‘I want to. To tell you the truth, I’m finding it hard to make the break.’

  He paid the fares, but when he would have hustled her upstairs, she declined, saying the climb would be too much for her, and chose a seat near the front of the bus where private conversation would be impossible. He was finding it hard to make the break! These words warmed her heart and helped her get a grip on her shaky emotions.

  At the corner of the street, in the shadow of the hedges, she cringed with shame when she recalled their last encounter there. She felt degraded. How could she have been so wanton? So shameless! But she had loved him. Was so sure her love was returned, she had thrown caution to the wind. Was he remembering too, and thinking she had loose morals? How could he think anything else, with her a short time later the size of a house! In a voice choked with emotion she said, ‘Thanks again for a lovely evening, Jim. Now I really must go. Me dad will be wondering where I am.’

  Once again a hand on her arm delayed her. ‘Susan, we can’t just part like this. I feel at a loss. Can’t we remain friends? See each other at least now and again?’

  Her heart raced wildly and her thoughts went into overdrive. If they could remain friends, then once the baby was born and she was slim and attractive again, perhaps she would be able to win him back. Was there hope for her yet? Common sense prevailed. It would be foolish for them to see each other again and give food for idle gossip. It wouldn’t be fair to him.

  She shook her head. ‘It wouldn’t work out, Jim. Who knows, perhaps once the baby is born and the dust has settled, we might run into each other again. Until then, it’s better if we don’t see each other. So please, Jim, let me go. I’ve enough on my plate without worrying about you popping up.’>

  Taking her face between his hands, he gazed into the beautiful, haunted eyes and whispered, ‘I wish with all my heart that things were different. I can’t believe we have no future, Susan, but I see what you mean. At the moment I would be an embarrassment to you. Perhaps later.’ A gentle kiss was pressed on the trembling lips and he left her gazing tearfully after him.

  Cold and windy though it was, Jim decided to walk home. His mind was in turmoil. If only he hadn’t rejected her all those months ago, they would be in a position to marry now. But he had rejected her advances, and curtly. He would be the first to admit that it could have been handled better. But he had been afraid of taking advantage of her! Still, someone else had done just that, and obviously without taking precautions. If she had really cared for him, could she have turned for solace to someone else so quickly? No! She must have known this other man. They must have had some kind of a relationship going, whilst she was seeing him. There was no other excuse for her actions.

  Did he still hope to marry her? He was still very much attracted to her, but did he want her for his wife now? He was too confused to tell. After the baby was born perhaps they could take up where they had left off. But ... what about the baby?

  To cool her emotions, Susan went for a walk along the silent avenues. The rain from the wet hedges blew on her face and she welcomed the coldness. She felt in a fever. Oh, Jim, Jim, what have I done? she lamented.

  It was late when at last she quietly entered the house. Her father came out from the lounge and faced her. ‘Where have you been?’

  She wanted to tell him to mind his own business, but bit on her tongue, afraid to agitate him. ‘I was at the pictures.’

  ‘Till this time of night?’ he cried in disbelief. ‘Who with?’

  This time her tongue would not be stilled. ‘That’s none of your business.’

  His lips tightened and his nostrils flared. ‘What you do while living under my roof is very much my business. For a start, you’ll keep decent hours! You’ve disgraced us enough already.’

  Again her tongue would not be stilled. Stretching her arms wide, she stuck out her stomach even further. ‘Look at me, Dad! What do you think I was doing in my condition?’

  ‘Huh! I couldn’t make a guess. If I live to be a very old man, I’ll never understand you. You’re not in the least like your sister.’

  The temper drained from her. She couldn’t afford to antagonise her father any further. ‘You’re right,’ she agreed sadly. After all, she was unlikely to be out late again, so why get her dad’s hump up. ‘I was out with an old friend. It was a one-off. It won’t happen again. Is Mam asleep?’

  ‘I doubt it! She’s lying up there worrying about you.’

  ‘Oh, I am sorry. I’ll go up and say good night. Set her mind at rest.’ She climbed the stairs, glad to have avoided a confrontation.

  The worried look on her mother’s face saddened Susan. She must watch her step where her father was concerned and not cause her mother any more distress. ‘Can I get you anything, Mam?’

  ‘No. Now I know you’re home I can take my tablets and maybe get some sleep.’

  ‘Mam, you’re exhausted. You mustn’t wait up for me.’

  ‘I wouldn’t normally, but your father has been acting a bit strange lately and I don’t want you two at each other’s throats.’ Rachel struggled to raise herself on an elbow.

  ‘Here, let me give you a hand.’ Placing an arm gently around her shoulders, Susan tenderly raised her mother up sufficiently to put the tablets in her mouth and assisted her in washing them down with a drink of water sitting ready on the bedside table. Then, fluffing the pillows, she settled Rachel down for the night. ‘Good night, love. See you in the morning.’

  ‘Susan.’ Rachel beckoned her down and, when she leant over, with her good hand gently touched her daughter’s hair. ‘Susan, I’m worried. You never talk about the baby - you do want it, don’t you?’

  ‘Of course I do.’ Susan was nonplussed, but realised that her mother had hit the nail on the head. She never mentioned the baby. Indeed, she tried not to think of it. Time enough for that when it was born. She shrugged negatively. ‘I suppose it’s because I’ve had an easy pregnancy and so many other things to worry about.’ She smiled reassuringly at her mother. ‘I have made some plans, you know. I’ve a drawer full of baby equipment over in Darlington. I suppose, now I’m home, I don’t want to rub me dad’s nose in it.’

  ‘You should see the doctor, Susan. After Easter you really would need to get booked into the hospital.’

  ‘I’m already booked into Greenbank Hospital over in Darlington. After all, I don’t know whether I’ll be here for the birth.’

  Alarmed now, Rachel cried, ‘But you said you’d stay here.’

  ‘I know, Mam. I know! Please don’t get upset. I have to play things by ear. You know yourself that Dad’s not too happy about me living here in my condition. It’s bad enough now, but what will it be like when the baby comes along, eh? When the neighbours have an excuse to stop me in the street and inquire after its health and try to find o
ut who the father is. If it proves too much hassle for Dad, I’ll have to go. I wouldn’t wish that on either of you. Aunt Edith really does make me feel at home, so you needn’t worry. I’d be happy staying with her.’

  ‘While there’s breath in my body, you will always be welcome here. It is your home too, you know! I’ll have a quiet word with your father.’

  Hearing footsteps on the stairs, Susan whispered, ‘But not tonight, Mam. Promise you’ll leave it for a while. It will be better for all concerned.’

  Seeing the wisdom of her words Rachel nodded her head. ‘All right. Now away to bed.’

  ‘Good night, Mam.’

  Susan was never to learn what her mother said to her father, but things took a sudden change for the better. Trevor didn’t go out of his way to speak to her, but neither did he ignore her completely or constantly find fault and the atmosphere over Easter weekend was quite amicable.

  Her mother insisted on talking about the baby. Lamenting the fact that she was unable to knit for her first grandchild, she phoned and arranged for an exclusive shop in town to send her a catalogue of all their baby clothes and nursery ware. From this many clothes were selected, until Susan cried out in despair that one baby would be unable to use so many outfits. A beautiful cradle was also ordered, and Susan gasped when she saw what it would cost and tried to talk her mother out of buying it, but in vain. Nothing would be too good for her first grandchild.

  Names were often discussed and there was much laughter as some outlandish ones were suggested and then discarded. Susan was at last able to think of the baby she carried. It was great not to worry too much about the future; not with her mother behind her. Her only real worry now about having the baby in Belfast was . . . who it would look like.

  To Susan’s amazement, her father made no outward objections to all the plans her mother was making, and she began to look to the future. Should she ring her boss, Mr Kennedy, and find out how things stood at work, and whether there would still be a position for her after the baby was born? She decided it would be worth a try. It would be nice if she had a job to go back to.